radicalselfcare:

21 ways to comfort a friend in crisis
via http://goodlifezen.com/2009/10/01/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/
Life is so rich in offering us a vast array of situations and circumstances, some more challenging than others.  When you are in the position to comfort a friend in crisis, you have been given a wonderful opportunity to express your love and caring.
For some of us, supporting people going through a difficult time can be confusing or awkward, no matter how much we want to be present for them.  Below are some suggestions that might be helpful.  Not all of these will apply to every situation, so use them only if they feel appropriate.
Make contact.  When you find out that someone you know is going through a crisis and you want to support them, make contact.  Call, email, offer to visit.  People in crisis often feel alone and alienated and appreciate when others reach out to them.
Listen to the story.  At the beginning stages of a crisis, everyone needs to tell their story in their own time.  Telling the story is one of the cornerstones of psychological treatment for trauma.  The job of the friend is to listen.  Communicate concern and understanding by repeating the sequence of events and asking for clarification when you need it.  You might say any of the following:  “Would you like to tell me what happened?”  “You must be so angry!”  “I’m so sorry to hear this.” “How are you feeling?”
Be there emotionally.  Think of yourself as a vessel filled with love and support that you are offering out.  Recognize any feelings that you might have about the situation and try to not have them interfere with your ability to show up for your friend.  Keep your personal stories to yourself, along with any judgments or criticisms you might have.
You probably don’t know how your friend feels.  Be careful about saying, “I know how you feel.”  When people are reeling from their own feelings, they think that you can’t possibly understand their experience unless you have actually been there.
Don’t push.  People in crisis can feel completely out of control and can benefit from making choices.  Rather than insisting on a course of action, offer your friend some options to select from.  Even simple ones matter, as in, “Would you like to go now or later?”
Help make decisions.  On the other hand, you might notice that your friend is easily confused and has difficulty making even small decisions.  In this case, you might consider stepping in by preparing a plate of food and offering it or saying, “I think we should….now.  Let’s do it together.”
Offer practical help.  Suggest tasks you might take on such as making calls or doing errands.  Be observant to see what is needed, and ask if you can assist.  Especially focus on what children involved may require.
Bring food.  Eating is one of the first things to go in a crisis (along with sleep).  Have nourishing food available so that your friend is more likely to continue eating regular meals.
Know that emotion comes in waves.   There are no rules about how people should react to crises.  Your friend may feel numb, intensely emotional, or anywhere in between.  All reactions are valid and understandable, even laughter.  Emotions often appear in waves – they come and go.  Be there as a support no matter what your friend is feeling.
Let your friend cry.  Recognize if you are uncomfortable with the level of your friend’s emotions.  Take a breath, and fill your vessel with love and support.  Try to be with the emotions without stifling them.  Your friend will eventually stop crying.
Be a buddy.  I once read a book on breakups that suggested recruiting a “breakup buddy,” a friend who could be called on night and day in those difficult first days.  Offer to be a support buddy to your friend, someone who he can call any time.
Be aware of your triggers.  A crisis is an emotional and stressful time for everyone, making it more likely that people will push each other’s buttons.  If you feel irritated, take a breath and try not to react.  Don’t add fuel to the fire if you can help it.
Get professional help on board.  If your friend is suicidal or highly irrational, don’t hesitate to suggest professional help.  Every community has a suicide hotline, and 911 is always available.
Rally support.  If you know other people who might like to support your friend, contact them to let them know what happened.
You will get through this.  A person in crisis may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the event first happens.  Hold your friend’s hand, look her in the eye, and say, “You will get through this,” or, “This too shall pass.”  She may not believe you at the time, but it will be helpful to hear.
Be patient.  Your friend may need to tell the story many times or may still be emotional weeks after you would have begun to move on.  Respect that everyone’s process is unique.  However, if, after giving it plenty of time, you think your friend is stuck in the trauma, you might gently ask, “How do you see yourself getting through this?”
Encourage basic functioning.  In the first few days of a crisis, even the most minimal functioning may seem impossible.  Be very gentle in encouraging your friend to take a shower, get dressed, eat regular meals, and take a short walk.  If you know of self-care activities your friend enjoys, such as yoga or going to the gym, suggest these as well, being careful not to sound pushy.
Know that nighttime is often the hardest time for people in crisis.  Call in the evening to check in.  Communicate empathy regarding how difficult a time it is.
Don’t support drinking too much or other reckless behavior.  Some people may want a few drinks, or more, when going through a difficult time.  Your friend will need to find his own way.  You can be the voice of wisdom by suggesting moderation.
Take care of yourself. People can easily become depleted while supporting someone through a crisis.  Pay some attention to your own needs so you can be replenished.  Take breaks, breathe, and get support for yourself.
Check in over time.  Often, at the beginning of a crisis, many people are available to help and support.  Over time, people tend to forget and return to the rhythm of their lives.  Keep your friend in the forefront of your mind, and check in in the weeks or months ahead.
Remember that a crisis is a tender time for everyone.  If your intention to support is clear, but you don’t get it completely right, be very forgiving of yourself.  Showing up with a loving, open heart is by far the best medicine.
How have you helped a friend in crisis?  Any suggestions you would add?  I’d love to hear about your experiences.

radicalselfcare:

21 ways to comfort a friend in crisis

via http://goodlifezen.com/2009/10/01/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

Life is so rich in offering us a vast array of situations and circumstances, some more challenging than others.  When you are in the position to comfort a friend in crisis, you have been given a wonderful opportunity to express your love and caring.

For some of us, supporting people going through a difficult time can be confusing or awkward, no matter how much we want to be present for them.  Below are some suggestions that might be helpful.  Not all of these will apply to every situation, so use them only if they feel appropriate.

  1. Make contact.  When you find out that someone you know is going through a crisis and you want to support them, make contact.  Call, email, offer to visit.  People in crisis often feel alone and alienated and appreciate when others reach out to them.
  2. Listen to the story.  At the beginning stages of a crisis, everyone needs to tell their story in their own time.  Telling the story is one of the cornerstones of psychological treatment for trauma.  The job of the friend is to listen.  Communicate concern and understanding by repeating the sequence of events and asking for clarification when you need it.  You might say any of the following:  “Would you like to tell me what happened?”  “You must be so angry!”  “I’m so sorry to hear this.” “How are you feeling?”
  3. Be there emotionally.  Think of yourself as a vessel filled with love and support that you are offering out.  Recognize any feelings that you might have about the situation and try to not have them interfere with your ability to show up for your friend.  Keep your personal stories to yourself, along with any judgments or criticisms you might have.
  4. You probably don’t know how your friend feels.  Be careful about saying, “I know how you feel.”  When people are reeling from their own feelings, they think that you can’t possibly understand their experience unless you have actually been there.
  5. Don’t push.  People in crisis can feel completely out of control and can benefit from making choices.  Rather than insisting on a course of action, offer your friend some options to select from.  Even simple ones matter, as in, “Would you like to go now or later?”
  6. Help make decisions.  On the other hand, you might notice that your friend is easily confused and has difficulty making even small decisions.  In this case, you might consider stepping in by preparing a plate of food and offering it or saying, “I think we should….now.  Let’s do it together.”
  7. Offer practical help.  Suggest tasks you might take on such as making calls or doing errands.  Be observant to see what is needed, and ask if you can assist.  Especially focus on what children involved may require.
  8. Bring food.  Eating is one of the first things to go in a crisis (along with sleep).  Have nourishing food available so that your friend is more likely to continue eating regular meals.
  9. Know that emotion comes in waves.   There are no rules about how people should react to crises.  Your friend may feel numb, intensely emotional, or anywhere in between.  All reactions are valid and understandable, even laughter.  Emotions often appear in waves – they come and go.  Be there as a support no matter what your friend is feeling.
  10. Let your friend cry.  Recognize if you are uncomfortable with the level of your friend’s emotions.  Take a breath, and fill your vessel with love and support.  Try to be with the emotions without stifling them.  Your friend will eventually stop crying.
  11. Be a buddy.  I once read a book on breakups that suggested recruiting a “breakup buddy,” a friend who could be called on night and day in those difficult first days.  Offer to be a support buddy to your friend, someone who he can call any time.
  12. Be aware of your triggers.  A crisis is an emotional and stressful time for everyone, making it more likely that people will push each other’s buttons.  If you feel irritated, take a breath and try not to react.  Don’t add fuel to the fire if you can help it.
  13. Get professional help on board.  If your friend is suicidal or highly irrational, don’t hesitate to suggest professional help.  Every community has a suicide hotline, and 911 is always available.
  14. Rally support.  If you know other people who might like to support your friend, contact them to let them know what happened.
  15. You will get through this.  A person in crisis may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the event first happens.  Hold your friend’s hand, look her in the eye, and say, “You will get through this,” or, “This too shall pass.”  She may not believe you at the time, but it will be helpful to hear.
  16. Be patient.  Your friend may need to tell the story many times or may still be emotional weeks after you would have begun to move on.  Respect that everyone’s process is unique.  However, if, after giving it plenty of time, you think your friend is stuck in the trauma, you might gently ask, “How do you see yourself getting through this?”
  17. Encourage basic functioning.  In the first few days of a crisis, even the most minimal functioning may seem impossible.  Be very gentle in encouraging your friend to take a shower, get dressed, eat regular meals, and take a short walk.  If you know of self-care activities your friend enjoys, such as yoga or going to the gym, suggest these as well, being careful not to sound pushy.
  18. Know that nighttime is often the hardest time for people in crisis.  Call in the evening to check in.  Communicate empathy regarding how difficult a time it is.
  19. Don’t support drinking too much or other reckless behavior.  Some people may want a few drinks, or more, when going through a difficult time.  Your friend will need to find his own way.  You can be the voice of wisdom by suggesting moderation.
  20. Take care of yourself. People can easily become depleted while supporting someone through a crisis.  Pay some attention to your own needs so you can be replenished.  Take breaks, breathe, and get support for yourself.
  21. Check in over time.  Often, at the beginning of a crisis, many people are available to help and support.  Over time, people tend to forget and return to the rhythm of their lives.  Keep your friend in the forefront of your mind, and check in in the weeks or months ahead.

Remember that a crisis is a tender time for everyone.  If your intention to support is clear, but you don’t get it completely right, be very forgiving of yourself.  Showing up with a loving, open heart is by far the best medicine.

How have you helped a friend in crisis?  Any suggestions you would add?  I’d love to hear about your experiences.

 it changes everytime you drag it!

(via selfcaresmash)

crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 
crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 
crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 
crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 
crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 

crazycult:

Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell. 

(via a-feral-ghost)

Q

sharkprivilege asked:

could you talk more about the male disney villains being queer coded with stereotypes?

A

blue-author:

commanderbishoujo:

gadaboutgreen:

biyuti:

fandomsandfeminism:

fandomsandfeminism:

image

Pink hair bows. 

Many male Disney villains are what we would call “camp.” Effeminate, vain, “wimpy” and portrayed as laughable and unlikable. Calling upon common negative stereotypes about gay men, these villains are characterized as villainous by embodying these tropes and traits. 

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Think about it: Often Thin/un-muscled figure, heavily inked and shadowed eyes (giving the impression of eyeliner and eye shadow?), stereotypically “sassy” and/or manipulative, often ends up being cowardly once on the defensive, many have comedic male sidekicks (such as Wiggins, Smee, Iago, the…snake that isn’t Kaa) 

Other examples:

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since i was talking about one of the disney man villains who doesn’t fit this stereotype yesterday…

Gaston.

my bf was listening to that song about him yesterday

and i mentioned that he is literally the most terrifying disney villain

why?

because his type of evil is banal and commonplace

there are white men walking around who are exactly like him

men who think that women are prizes they deserve

men who will not listen or pay attention to a rejection

men who will go out of their way, if rejected, to ruin a woman’s life

ppl often seem to miss this when discussion beauty and the beast since the stockholm syndrom ‘romance’ is also a giant icky thing

the terrifying thing about gaston is that he is supposed to be (as all disney villains) a hyperbolic cartoon

but he is the absolutely truest and most real villain

because he exists in the real world

we all know men like him

Also, if we’re talking about queer coded characters the MOST important of all the characters is Ursula who was bad off of a drag Queen (Divine) and has a whole host of negative stereotypes.

She’s also my favorite.

This post is sorely missing some seriously important historical context. The term for this as film history goes is the sissy, and as a stock character the sissy is probably one of the oldest archetypes in Hollywood, going back to the silent film era. Some of the most enduring stereotypes of male queerness—the limp wrist, swishing, etc—can actually be traced to the exaggerated movements of cinematic sissies in silent films. And it’s important to note sissies were portrayed in a range of ways, though they were generally used to comedic effect; queerness was considered a joke, and the modern notion of the “sassy gay friend” in films can probably be traced back to this bullshit too. It wasn’t until the Hays Code was adopted in the ’30s that sissies almost uniformly started being portrayed as villains. Homosexuality was specifically targeted under the euphemism of “sexual perversion”, and the only way it could fly under the radar in films under the strict censorship of the code was by coding villains that way in contrast to the morally upright hetero heroes. Peter Lorre’s character in The Maltese Falcon is one off the top of my head, but there are a slew of them from the ’30s onward, and this trope didn’t go away after the Code ended either. More modern examples in live action films are Prince Edward in Braveheart, Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, and Xerxes in 300.

So Disney just provides some of the most egregious modern examples of the sissy villain, but this is a really old and really gross trope that goes back years and years in Western film. There’s a fantastic book and accompanying documentary about the history of homosexuality in film by Vito Russo called The Celluloid Closet that gets into a lot of this.

It’s incredibly refreshing to see a response to a post like this that starts with “This post is sorely missing some seriously important historical context.” and then goes on to provide important historical context that adds information to the point being made. I was seriously wincing and bracing myself for “You guys, you don’t understand. It was different back then.”

(Of course, I wouldn’t have been worried if the name of the last poster hadn’t scrolled off the top of my screen by the time I got to it.)


Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

Thomas Bavington

saturnsdaughter:

Adrien Henri Tanoux, The Harp Player, 1913

(via lusushi)